Victoria's Secret
by Verity
Summary: Alice knows the plan. Bella wants a wardrobe. Now Edward has a pressing problem. fyi, guys... this a parody.


**VICTORIA'S SECRET** by verity

I always suspected that Alice and Bella knew something about our greatest nemesis that I did not. They'd be whispering in a corner, eyeing me out of the corner of their eye. From Alice's thoughts, I suspected it had something to do with ceremonial undergarments. But then Victoria met her end at my hands in the grove, and all was well. I put their conspiratory murmurs out of my mind altogether.

Until the day that Alice came before me, with that look on her face that I know so well.

"Edward," she said to me. "You're going to take Bella shopping. I can see it. She'll need something to wear... on your wedding night."

Alice's smile was far too knowing for my comfort. I cleared my throat. "Well... of course, I'll take Bella to the mall."

**.o.o.o.**

It was a Saturday, and early in the morning. When I rejoined Bella at noon, I was not surprised to find her already aware of the task at hand.

"You bring my girl back safely," Charlie said gruffly.

"Of course, Chief Swann. You know how important she is to me." I reassured him, taking the car keys from Bella, who flashed Charlie her sparkling testament to my love.

After sliding into the driver's seat of Bella's new Mercedes, I gently kissed the lips of the girl I adored. The touch of my marble orifice to her warm, ruddy one brought on a soft sigh and a prompt slump into unconsciousness. I, too, sighed with pleasure. Now Bella wouldn't complain about how fast I was driving.

The nearest mall that Alice deemed acceptable was in Tukwila, just south of Seattle. Bella yawned and came to just as we were pulling into the parking lot.

"We're here already?" she remarked, sounding surprised.

"It doesn't take that long, my darling lambiekins," I reassured her. Especially when I'm driving! With vampire speed, I moved to open her car door.

"You're such a gentleman," she cooed as I unfastened her seatbelt.

"Just protecting my cargo, my sweetmeat," I said, dazzling her with worshipful topaz eyes.

**.o.o.o.**

Inside the mall, Bella had only to consult the map to determine where we ought to go. I was surprised to be directed to the overwhelming beacon of pink at one end of the mall... and even more astonished at the unabashed display of ladies' undergarments.

The gold capitals that marched gaily over this display of wanton frivolity bore the legend "VICTORIA'S SECRET."

So stunned was I, I grabbed my Bella's arm harder than I intended. She spun back towards me, looking deeply chagrined. "WHAT IS THIS?" I hissed. "IS THIS SOME DEVILTRY OF VICTORIA'S? WILL SHE WAYLAY US HERE?"

Bella blinked, looking around to make sure no one had heard my peculiar comment. "It's just a store, Edward," my beloved told me patiently. "It has... fancy underwear. You know." Blushing, she lowered her voice. "For our wedding night?"

"But- but-" I stuttered. "You and Alice... were always discussing..."

"_It's just a store._" With that, she took my hand and pulled me along with her. I was too chagrined to make much of a fuss.

I found myself surrounded by posters of women in rhinestone bikinis, broad wings peeking out from behind their bronzed shoulders. "Please dazzle me," implored make-up products. As the fiery redhead arranging bottles of lotion along one wall gave me a blazing smile, I knew that Bella was wrong. The Volturi must have missed some of Victoria's handiwork, because this could only be the work of one woman.

A woman who dazzled.

**.o.o.o.**

The redhead approached Bella just as I reached up to put a protective hand on her precious shoulder. "Hi, I'm Shelby," she said in a faux-casual manner. "Can I help you find something today?"

She was looking at me, and not Bella, but it was my soon-to-be bride who answered her. "My _fiance_ and I are shopping for a few things. We'll just look around."

Shelby's face briefly darkened, as if crossed by storm clouds, but she collected herself and smiled pleasantly. "Of course."

Again I found myself dragged away by Bella, this time from the chamber of glittering whores and into a new hell. I stared as young girls and women older than Renee pawed through racks of scanty underthings.

Bella was immediately drawn to one item, distinguished primarily by a waterfall of ruffles on its bottom. "What do you think, Edward?"

No sooner had I opened my mouth to speak than she had gathered a dozen bits of frippery into one arm and was flouncing off toward a dressing room. "Just wait outside!" Bella called over her shoulder. I stayed rooted to the spot in terror.

Shelby spotted me alone and swooped in. "Are you finding everything okay?" She flashed a blinding, bleach-toothed smile.

"Yes," I told her.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"How long have you and your fiancee been together?"

I gritted my teeth, but thankfully Bella peeked out of the door, shoulders beswathed in a ruffled negligee and clutching a small ball of lacy fluff. "Can I have this in size smaller?" she inquired, her eyes on Shelby.

Seeing my love crumpet's shoulders so vulnerable, so naked beneath the sheer crimson polyester, did unholy things to me. I moved behind a rack of embroidered robes and tried to breath deeply as my member struggled against the chastening fit of my khaki slacks.

I glimpsed what Shelby was handing to my Disney princess and forgot to breathe. Heavens.

Thankfully, Shelby was detained by another customer as I struggled for composure in this den of iniquity. Perhaps I had been mistaken in thinking this was the lair of our old foe; nevertheless, this was undoubtedly a bastion of the Enemy.

Finally, Bella emerged from the dressing room, a large pile of garments in her arms. "Don't peek," she admonished me. I kept my eyes averted, unfortunately in the direction of the half-naked women. Their necks were so soft, so bare, so edible, their cleavage so exposed, their nether regions so... bedazzled.

Bella leaned against me, sighing happily and murmuring her excitement for our impending union. I tried to keep my love joystick from seeking out her tender crevices, but to no avail. Of course, my nightingale was blissfully unaware how she tortured me.

I groaned softly as another employee rang up Bella's purchases. "They are expensive," the woman reassured me as Bella handed over her slender black card, "but very worth it, aren't they, honey?"

The creeping blush settling on Bella's cheeks only perturbed me more.

As I followed her out of the store, my tender flower tilted her face up toward mine. "Oh Edward," she said, hands moving dangerously near my waist, "Sometime, we should take you shopping, too."

"I have to return some videotapes," I whispered breathlessly, and fled.


End file.
